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Module 3: Safe and Supportive Homes and Communities
Session 8: Supporting Survivors Part I
Session 9: Supporting Survivors Part II
Session 10:Becoming an Ally in and out of the Home
Session 11: Closing Session

Session 9: Supporting Survivors Part II

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Session Objectives and Material Needed

 Objective
By the end of the session participants will be able to

  • List reasons it is difficult for survivors to talk about violence.
  • Define confidentiality
  • Provide practical examples of how to support survivors.
     

Materials Needed

  • Flipchart paper
  • Markers

Key Messages

Survivors have many concerns that make it difficult to talk about the violence they are or have experienced.  These include fear of being hurt, blamed, shamed, and not know who they can trust.

Confidentiality, not sharing what a survivor tells you with anyone else, without their permission is a critical way to support a survivor.

There are specific things that men can do to support survivors including supportive listening, not blaming the survivor, and not trying to ‘fix’ the problem.

Avtivities

Activity 1

Welcome and Review (15 minutes)

  1. Welcome the participants on the next step of the journey to safer homes and communities.

  2. Ask for volunteers to recall the key messages or ideas from the previous session. Make sure that participants are reminded about Sariaha and Maria’s stories. Review what was helpful and what was harmful to them after the violent incident.  

  3. Ask participants to share if there is anything that they’ve been thinking about or reflecting on related to what we discussed last session?

  4. Explain that today’s session is a continuation of the discussion about how men can support survivors.
Activity 2

 Pair Share and Group Discussion on Supporting a Survivor (20 minutes)

  1. Facilitator begins by asking participants to silently reflect about why it is hard for survivors to talk about violence. After 3 minutes ask participants to pair share by turning to the person next to them and spending 7 minutes total discussing with each other why it is hard for survivors to talk about or seek help for violence they’ve experienced.

  2. Facilitator brings everyone back together and ask for volunteers to share what things that thought made it difficult for survivors to talk about violence. The facilitator should generate a list on the flipchart.  The list could include the following: 
  • People blame the survivor for the violence rather than the perpetrator.
  • It could be dangerous for her if the perpetrator finds out she is talking about the violence.
  • She may be too ashamed to talk about the violence.
  • She may fear people will gossip about her.
  • She may fear if her husband or boyfriend finds out they will leave her, insult her, or physically hurt her.
  • She doesn’t think it will do any good or help in any way to talk about it.
  • She may feel she is betraying her family.
  • She may not trust anyone to keep it confidential.
Activity 3

 Group Discussion (40 minutes)

  1. Facilitator starts a group discussion by asking what the participants think they, as husbands, relatives, community members can do to support a survivor that has told you they had been raped or was living with IPV? Start to write the responses on the flipchart.   Make sure the following is mentioned and on the flipchart. 
  • Listen to her and believe her.
  • Do not blame or judge her and tell her you know it was not her fault.
  • Respect confidentiality - do not disclose her problem to other people. That includes to her family, your family, friends, or community members without her consent.
  • Respect her choices of how she how wants to handle the incident. - do not force her to take actions she is not ready to take. Let her take control and make decisions about her healing and her life.
  • Tell her that you support her decisions and share information about services that could help her if and when she is ready
  • Allow her to express whatever emotions she wants to express, anger, sadness, frustration.
  • Let her decide how much she shares with you

  1. Facilitator should emphasise that one of the most important things men who are allies can do to support women or an adolescent girl who shares they have been raped, are experiencing IPV, or being forced to marry is through supportive listening, believing, and not blaming the survivor.

  2. Facilitator should refer to the sessions on the Man Box. Remind participants of some of the gender roles society expects men to play, protector, hero, fearless, knowing all the answers. Emphasise the following points:
  • It is important to recognize the survivor’s strength. Do not take away their voice or choice by stepping in as the champion or protector.
  • The person that knows best what they need is the survivor herself. Not listening to survivors, even if out of a desire to ‘help’ can unintentionally create more danger for survivors.
  • Recognise that this means men doing things differently than what many men have been taught. Men have been taught to make decisions for women. But what survivors ask for the most is to be listened to, and believed not blamed,
Activity 4

Small Group Work (30 minutes).

  1. Facilitator breaks the men into groups of 3 or 4.

  2. Have the following written on a flip chart.   Starting with scenario 1 the Facilitator reads it or asks for a volunteer to read it. 
Sylvia and Ernest

Scenario 1: Sylvia told her husband, Ernest that she was raped while crossing the border into Columbia. She said she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do. She said she hadn’t told anyone else except him.  Ernest listened and told Sylvia it was not her fault.  He knew the border crossings were dangerous but that was the only way for them to get money for food.  Later that afternoon he went to Sylvia’s mother and told her about the rape. 

  • What did Ernest do that was helpful?
  • What did Ernest do that was harmful?
Lucy and Ahmed

Scenario 2:  Ahmed noticed changes in his sister, Lucy since she had gotten married.  She didn’t seem as happy or to laugh as she used to.  One day he shared with Lucy that she seemed different and he wanted to know if she was ok.  Lucy told him that her husband had beaten her at least once a week for the past month.  She asked Ahmed not to say anything as she wanted to be a good wife and try to find a solution.  Ahmed was so angry that someone had hurt his sister he immediately confronted the husband. 

  • What did Ahmed do that was helpful?
  • What did Ahmed do that was harmful or potentially harmful?

    3. Facilitator should share that one of the things we discussed earlier in the session was listening to survivors and respecting their wishes.  This includes keeping the incident confidential and not playing a gendered role like protector by confronting the perpetrator. 

    4. Facilitator asks for volunteers to share what they understand confidentiality to mean.
The facilitator should highlight the following points,

  • Confidentiality means keeping information related to the things a survivor shares private.
  • Not telling anyone about the incident the survivor has shared with you.
  • Maintaining confidentiality means program staff never discusses case details with family or friends, or with colleagues whose knowledge of the information is not necessary. The exception to maintaining confidentiality is only in the case of a disclosure of harm to oneself or to others. 

   5. Think about how you can support yourself:  While the person most impacted by the violence is the survivor, loved ones are also impacted.  Having someone you love get hurt or watching them suffer can also have an impact. Ask men to share how a husband, boyfriend or father might be impacted if their wife, girlfriend, or daughter was abused. 

   6. The loved ones of survivors can feel many things. Thinking about the Man Box, remind participants what men are ‘allowed’ to feel. For example, they feel men are expected to show anger

  • In order to support survivors, it is important for men to be able to step outside of the Man Box.
  • You may also feel sadness about what happened to your loved one, guilt because you have been taught you should be the protector and you were not able to stop the violence.
  • You might feel frustration because you want to do something.

7. Facilitator should note that it is important that participants stay aware of their feelings, so they do not cause difficulties in communication with the survivor. Reach out to someone from the group to talk about how you are feeling. You can keep the survivor’s confidentiality even if you’re talking about how you’ve been affected by the violence and the feelings you are having.

Activity 5

Closing/ Debrief (15 mins)

  1. Facilitator thanks participants for the discussion and ask if participants have any closing reflections on anything discussed.

  2. Facilitator emphasises that supporting survivors requires men to step out of the man-box.

  3.  Remind participants of the following:
    - Examples of barriers that make it difficult for survivors  to talk about the violence they endured include fear of being harmed by the perpetrator or by their own family, fear of being blamed, shamed, and not know who they can trust to keep the information confidential.

    -Not sharing what a survivor tells you with anyone else, without their permission. This is keeping confidentiality, a critical way to support a survivor.

    - Keyways to support survivors includes supportive listening, not blaming the survivor, and not trying to ‘fix’ the problem.

    4. Thank the participants for their active participation and for starting the journey and remind them when and where the next session will take place.